over the years, i’ve wondered if i have a “type” or not. i’m not entirely certain i do…in fact, i’m positive i don’t. but one thing is for certain, without a doubt, i absolutely love men. i love looking at beautiful men…sexy men…ruggedly handsome men…
i am not ashamed of this.
after all, eye candy is part of a healthy diet.
and so, here’s my list of unspeakably beautiful men that absolutely turn me into a giant puddle of mindless goo. i’ll keep adding to it, as i go on, as i come across a particularly lovely specimen. and of course, i’ll keep coming back to review…
and now i present, my list of eye candy (in no particular order)…
my first love
it had to be gavin, you know it did. 13 years old and at my first concert ever, a real concert: fiddler’s green, a warm summer’s breeze, and pounding guitar falling all over me. drilling into me, drowning me…and gavin.
name: gavin mcgregor rossdale
dob: october 30, 1967
height: 6′ 1″
hair: brunette-ish, and lovely
eyes: brown…which is not something i usually favor
claim to fame: lead singer of bush, and institute; occasional actor
rawr. and incidentally, he just gets better looking as he ages. insane. also, he plays the guitar like it’s a god damned sin…i have been completely rendered helpless by guitarists and guitar music ever since, and i love it.
my first baby daddy
my formative years were spent watching friday every damned day, it seems. listening to lethal injection on my walkman and watching & re-watching friday. loving the movie and love love lovin’ the cube. and he’s the main reason i loved higher learning so god damned much. he’s bad, yet cuddly…how is that even possible? how could i not love him to death? also, he’s a raider fan too… swoon!
name: ice cube (born o’shea jackson)
dob: june 15, 1969
claim to fame: hip hop artist, actor, film producer, fuckin’ awesome
even after all these years, after he’s softened his image, i still loves me some cube. like you wouldn’t believe.
name: michael ealy (born michael brown)
dob: august 3, 1973
height: 5′ 9.5″
hair: delightfully fluffy, or cornrowed, nice.
eyes: so gorgeously blue
claim to fame: actor, ridiculously hot
i do not dare lie that he’s a big reason i own barbershop.
name: jon stewart (born jonathan stuart leibowitz)
dob: november 28, 1962
hair: greyish, but distinguished!
claim to fame: *snerk* he was in half-baked…
i motherfuckin’ love me some john stewart. he is *so* dreamy! and brilliant and funny, and god bless the man that can make you laugh. his books, his show, his stand up, it’s all fabulously funny!
completely fucking random
i’m not even really sure how this mofo ended up on The List, but he is undeniably hot, so for now he remains. in fact, this picture isn’t even all that great of homeboy, but you know. i blame the dorky ass hat, really.
name: mahershalalhashbaz ali (born mahershalalhashbaz gilmore)
dob: february 16, 1974
hair: very little
claim to fame: hot guy from the 4400.
since the 4400 was canceled, i can only assume that the earth opened up and swallowed this guy whole lest there be too much hotness in the world.
completely and totally fuckable is right! thanks to jake gyllenhaal for the first time ever in my life i was completely and 100% jealous of heath motherfuckin’ ledger because they got to fuck nasty in brokeback mountain and i did NOT have gorgeous ass jakey-g wrapped around me. sigh. ever since donnie darko, he has been unspeakably hot. plus, if i DO have a type then the dark hair+light eyes thing does me in every fucking time and he does it to the max. fantastic!
name: jacob benjamin “jake” gyllenhaal
dob: december 19, 1980
claim to fame: donnie darko, jarhead, brokeback mountain, bubble boy!!! etc.
donnie darko i <3 you
another reason to LOVE my name is earl…
dude, crabman is fuckin’ hot, joy is CORRECT on that front. plus he has a little bit of that dopey puppy dog look about him, but you know, with extreme hotness. and frequently he wears wifebeaters or is even shirtless. bonus!
name: eddie steeples
dob: november 25, 1973
height: over 6′
claim to fame: officemax commercial, my name is earl
on top of being adorable and funny, he has fantastic hair (i sincerely hope that is his real hair and not a wig or i will have lost all faith in humanity). i loves me some crabman, yo!
i’m just here to fuck john stamos
cloris leachman had it right, man, when she said she was only at bob saget’s roast to fuck john stamos. i mean, really, aren’t we all? i sure as fuck know i am. and how! he is one fine piece of greek ass. also, this may be the official start of me totally falling all over fine fine mens with dark hair and pretty blue eyes. it’s like crack!
name: john phillip stamos
dob: august 19, 1963
claim to fame: yeah, full house. but also, ER!
yeah, my “uncle jesse” crush can not be squelched.
i have this thing for musicians that needs to be squelched. but man, i like the black eyed peas, especially before fergie was a part of it and it only helps that this dude is so god damned hot. plus, back in 2003 i totally saw the black eyed peas in concert with N.E.R.D. and oh my god i touched him!!! eeeeeeee!! the squeeing was endless! it was WITHOUT END!
name: taboo nawash (born jamie luis gómez)
dob: july 14, 1975
height: tall, man
claim to fame: part of the black eyed peas
so hard to find a picture of him, but OMG I TOUCHED HIM!!!
can you even think of any other words for johnny depp than absolute fucking perfection? he is a god amongst men, and the older he gets the fucking hotter he gets. seriously, he does not age at all! and even if he is in league with satan it does not matter because he is so unbelievably fine that eternal damnation is nothing int he face of his hotness. from edward scissorhands to the pirates of the caribbean, he is the best. ever. world without end. amen!
name: johnny depp (born john christopher depp II)
dob: june 9, 1963
hair: dark brown
eyes: brown, dreamy
claim to fame: crybaby!!!
oh johnny depp, you are so fine it is SCANDALOUS!
i am jack’s quiet arousal
ahem. i am not ashamed to admit that as ‘deep’ and ‘dramatic’ that american history X was, one of the best parts for me was hot, buff, muscle-y, mostly-naked edward fuckin’ norton. even with the white supremecist tattoos all up on his joint, he was extremely fucking lickable. the crying in the shower buttsex? not so much. but he is charming, and funny, and smart. even without the hot naked muscles, that makes him very appealing. i loves me some eddie norton, man!
name: edward harrison norton
dob: august 18, 1969 (we share the same birthday! OMG!)
eyes: oh, so pretty blue
claim to fame: fight club, primal fear, red dragon, rounders, the incredible hulk, american history x
yes, edward norton feeds my geek love. i <3 him.
black on both sides
a musician and a thesbian. an artist and an unspeakably fine fine gentleman. seriously, mos def is adorable, but also hot. he is a dapper man with lyrical skills and a fine ass. i enjoy his movies and enjoy his music and enjoy his ass even more. fuck yeah, mos def!
name: dante terrell smith (stage name, mos def)
dob: december 11, 1973
hair: usually bald
claim to fame: urban thermo dynamics, actor, rapper, poet to my fuckin’ soul, man.
so so fly, so so fine.
name: lonnie rashid lynn, jr. (stage name common)
dob: march 13, 1972
claim to fame: rapper, actor, hot shit
i touched common once, too! i touched hiiiiiiiiiiiim!
i got your soul food right here
ok, this man is too hot. he’s like, fucking BEAUTIFUL and every part of him screams “lick me!”. of course, he’s a model. OF COURSE he’s a fuckin’ model, man. plus, boris kodjoe >> omar epps. boris kodjoe >> taye diggs, motherfuckers. get that through your head, hollywood! (bonus: he was in a movie with mos def, orgasm overload!)
name: boris frederic cecil tay-natey ofuatey-kodjoe
dob: march 8, 1973
hair: bald usually
claim to fame: soul food, brown sugar, love & basketball
i would lick him…
everyone wants a piece of skateboard p…
ok, point blank: pharrell is hot. and talented as fuck, and does not look anywhere as old as he really is, but damn! boy is hot. and he’s basically had a hand in almost every major pop or rap or r&b thing out there. he is a musical innovator, and despite being a bit on the scrawny side, i would like to violate him. twice.
name: pharrell williams
dob: april 5, 1973
claim to fame: the neptunes, N.E.R.D., producer
ok i know i know i know that tupac is no longer alive and that’s kind of morbid but this kind of hotness lives on forever and ever and IF (if and ONLY if!!!) he were alive still i would be all over that like white on rice, man. but i am aware of the not living status of the ‘pac, so i am going to say: i don’t like to fuck dead people. but i do appreciate the hotness. which he has, in abundance.
name: tupac amaru shakur
dob: june 16, 1971 – september 13, 1996
eyes: such a gorgeous deep brown
claim to fame: he’s motherfuckin’ TUPAC, son!!!
if he were still a live, he would SO be my baby daddy.
i’d like a lil puerto rican, please
i can’t help it, he’s adorable. tiny and hot in one package. and funny, he has a great humor and delivery that makes me laugh. along with musicians (cursed, cursed musicians), i have a major thing for men that make me laugh. i mean, you can be lickably hot but a sense of humor is really where it’s at because that lasts much longer than a washboard stomach, for sure. plus, freddy rodriguez is adorable! look at him! adorables!
name: freddy rodriguez
dob: january 17, 1975
hair: dark brown
claim to fame: six feet under, grindhouse, ugly betty, scrubs
so wee! yet so yummy!
a revolution! (in my pants)
oh gael garcia bernal, how much do i love you? i’ve even seen him naked, because like ewan mcgregor he does not shy away from the full frontal male nudity. huzzah! plus he was unspeakably adorable in the science of sleep. and he is one hot piece of mexican ass.
name: gael garcía bernal
dob: november 30, 1978
claim to fame: he was che, he was in telenovelas, he is fucking hot. the end.
gael garcia bernal…gale garcial BERNAL…it rolls off your tongue.
ok, so i’ll admit that jay hernandez is basically in a shit ton of crappy movies, but he’s hot so who cares, am i right? besides for the longest time i thought i wasn’t attracted to mexican men, but it turns out i was looking at the wrong men. because he is fine.
name: jay hernandez (born javier manuel hernandez, jr.)
dob: february 20, 1978
claim to fame: is he famous? i don’t know, shitty movies with kristin dunst + hostel != fame
but he’s so hot! ay papi!
scotland’s finest export
ewan mcgregor is a fantastic and gorgeous man. plus, he is not afraid to go balls-out (literally!) and do full-frontal nudity in film. in fact, i’m almost positive his contract has a requirement where he must flash wang (or at the very least be bare-assed) every other movie. and he just gets hotter and hotter with age.
name: ewan cordon mcgregor
dob: march 31, 1971
hair: sort of an auburn color?
claim to fame: trainspotting, shallow grave, the island, black hawk down, down with love, eye of the beholder, big fish, stay, deception, incindiary, and much much more.
the only man who looks delish in a fuckin’ kilt.
you call me a dog
much like with my love of gavin, my love for chris cornell started at an early age. junior high years listening to soundgarden in my room, dreaming of the voice that sent shivers down my spine. good times good times. now it’s finally 2009 and i’m going to see one of my man idols in person. fuck yeah! you have to have mad props for a man that can take a michael jackson song and make it sexy.
name: chris cornell (born christopher john boyle)
dob: july 20, 1964
eyes: such a pretty blue
claim to fame: frontman of soundgarden & audioslave, member of temple of the dog, solo artist (vocals & guitar)
chris cornell’s voice is uber-fuckin’ delicious. orgasm-inducing delicious.
object of MY affection
oh the man love for paul rudd, is BEYOND comprehensible! seriously, i want to have bromance with him, i want to make him my man-wife, i want to cuddle him to pieces and then lick unknown substances off of him. cuz fuck it, that’s why! so.so.hot! plus, i have been madly in love with him since he was josh on clueless. it’s been THAT FUCKING LONG!
name: paul stephen rudd
dob: april 6, 1969
hair: dark brown
eyes: pretty pretty blue!
claim to fame: heh. object of my affection, 40-year-old virgin, i love you, man, role models, clueless!!!!
oh paul rudd, you are so supremely dreamy…
nothing is sexier than a sense of humor
i’ve loved seth rogen since freaks & geeks, it’s true. and while he was laying low for a while, BAM! now the whole world loves him too, which is understandable because he is adorable, and hilarious and i want to fuck him with my pe-nis!. sigh. seriously, i have unspeakably filthy dreams about seth rogen. it’s kind of shameful, actually. also, he is TOTALLY MY AGE!!! wtf?! also, yay!!!
name: seth rogen
dob: april 15, 1982
hair: brown jew-fro
claim to fame: freaks & geeks, undeclared, apatow & co., superbad, pineapple express, zach & miri make a porno
i would SO make a porno with seth rogen
whitecastle, here i come!
harold & kumar go to whitecastle is completely ridiculous, beyond ridiculous, but i am glad to have seen it because of the nph awesomeness (more coming sooner) and because it gave me kumar. i mean, er, kal penn.
name: kalpen suresh modi (stage name kal penn)
dob: april 23, 1977
claim to fame: harold & kumar, namesake, motherfuckin’ white house administration, yo!
he looks like he’d be a damn good time. a mildly filthy time, yes, but a damn good time nonetheless!
another guilty pleasure
god i love joshua jackson like you wouldn’t believe. i will watch anything — and i mean anything — if he is in it. seriously. and i don’t know, he’s obviously gorgeous, but again it’s the charm and the humor as well. plus, he’s gorgeous.
name: joshua carter jackson
dob: june 11, 1978
claim to fame: the skulls, cursed, the mighty ducks (cough), and something else i won’t mention, along with the fringe!
I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY JOSHUA JACKSON LOVE!
more to come…