i think that’s the best word to attempt to categorize my life right now, at the moment…maybe? i don’t fucking know. it’s so weird because every once in a while i come up against stuff that i guess is “expected” of me & my life and such. or something. it doesn’t even make sense in my fucking head so i wouldn’t imagine it to make sense any other way.
and it’s frustrating because there are a bunch of things that i totally don’t even want or desire in the slightest and yet there they fucking are, looming expectations and whatnot. or just ways my life doesn’t quite measure up, when you look at it against the yardstick of what everyone else is doing/being/living/etc. my ninja cock is so small.
which is basically to say, i have like, issues & such. and/or am driving myself crazy with what little free time i have that isn’t consumed with work and stress and work stress by over-analyzing every fucking thing that is possibly susceptible to analysis. wooo…yay…bring on the good times!
so it’s like, i’m seriously disturbed by the fact that people i know from Back in the Day are like…growing up. i’ve never wanted to be a grown up, really…it’s always been this unappealing thing. which, doesn’t really have anything in the slightest to do with maturity. which, doesn’t even remotely come close to assuming i’m anything even in the most distant neighborhood of mature. cuz like, i’m sure as shit not. at least, i don’t think so. but there are these Very Important Things that one must do in life, or so i’ve heard, to be a successful human being. incidentally, none of these Very Important Things involve dinosaurs and/or blowing shit up, and so they hold very little interest for me personally. it’s not even cynicism or whatever jaded gen-Xplanation is used to justify all the douchey behavior of people from the john hughes era (read: early thirty somethings who are unhappy with their lives).
it’s just, i cannot wrap my mind around the fact that people i grew up (literally) with are starting careers, going to grad school, ::shudder:: getting married, in the army, re-enlisting in the army. incidentally, a few people i know already popped out spawnlings and such, but like…that’s not too uncommon in the valley, ya know? towns that small, what the hell else are people going to do if not fuck as much and as stupidly as possible, and then squat out a bunch of stupid fucks for kids?
i have officially entered the part of life where my friends that are actually my age are getting married now. engaged…well, engagements come and go and can be broken pretty easily when compared to marriages. but shit, dude. married? house-buying & 4-door SUV-buying? twitchity twitch!
my first thought is always “but you’re too young!”
because i feel too young. owning a house and a car and a spouse (cuz it’s kind of basically ownership) are just so Grown Up. or old. i haven’t quite figured out which.
and they just hold no appeal to me. i don’t want to spawn, i couldn’t begin to think of home ownership (own apartmentship is about as far as i’ve gotten), i already have a spiffy car, and i have too much love in my life to ruin it with some sort of government-sanctioned relationship-ruining ceremony.
so…what then, have i done with my life?
i definitely don’t want to go the Responsible Adult route…not in the slightest. buuuuut…i should do something, right? you can’t very well get by being a super stupid lazy fuck? i mean, the president sure isn’t pulling it off that great. so…what should i do?
stan lee has proven i can’t ever be a super hero because he doesn’t even know what the hell that means. i probably won’t be the chick who eats fire at the renaissance festival. i probably won’t get to conquer a small south-american country for quite a while…and so…now what?
the Things I Don’t Want are simple, ya know: “marriage”, pointless career, offspring…or any of the bullshit that goes with it.
but…i’ve never wanted this shit. ever. i never had wedding fantasies as a little girl. i built dinosaur villages & had lego wars. i wasn’t even really a tomboy. not a good one anyway…tomboys never want to be pretty. tomboys usually just are, or end up that way. i’ve figured you can’t be ugly and a tomboy, cuz then you’re just kind of sad. which is another issue entirely that i don’t feel like thinking about right now.
and basically…none of this makes sense except for the fact that i totally saw an old highschool homey cheerfully standing outside a fighter plane in fucking mosul, iraq and it kind of skeeved me so hardcore. how do i not be that?
what i really, really, truly want, i think…is to think less…
i need a whole ‘nother yardstick. and why is all the rum gone?